I bare the memory of
the times I turned away from
You. A little eclipse here and
there until the shadows developed
lives of their own. Even if I could
say that it was the ease of life
that permitted recklessness
or the grip of fear that enabled
indifference, or the challenge of
loss that provided bad choices, I still
could not justify going into hiding
while You kept calling. Where are you?
Where are you? I pretended not to hear
until one day I wasn't pretending anymore.
Then it was my turn to panic. Where
are You? Where are You?
The untamed music of the ram's horn
wails against my chosen deafness,
eerie and wild sounds like sobs
in darkness from a longing child.
Tears break walls - I can not tell if
they are mine or Yours but there
is a downpour, a rush of wind
through cracks in the surface and suddenly
salt water rain errupts from the depths
of being. As raw as Hannah's prayer and
as painful as Hagar's despair, I plunge
into the deep sea as Jonah had to do,
pleading for You. Do not cast me away.
Do not give up on me. I can hardly
breath and my heart trembles as I
struggle to face You again.
Can You see me now
in my nakedness, exposed and
embarrassed by my failures to
live in Your grace? I am here,
I am here, I weep to the question
You once asked. Do not forget me
King of the universe, King of all
Kings Whose mercy is the breath
of all that lives and Whose love
unlocks even the tightest doors. Teach
me how to sing again so that I may
reach You and soar on the eagle's wings
above the clouds. Let me be worthy
of Your consideration, even of Your
disappointment. I am here, I am
here, is Your soft reply.
(alizah shatzky. 2003)
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